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The Two-Second Review: Movie Times in Joliet, New Lenox and Orland, July 29 - Aug. 4

Your weekly movie listings, plus quick-hit reviews by a guy who hasn't seen most of these.

Some times vary or change by date, so check with the theater in advance. Clicking on a movie's name will take you to its website, made by people who actually have seen it.

Bad Teacher
Cameron Diaz takes her years of experience as a bad actress and relates it to another profession.
Showplace New Lenox 14
: 10:40 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 6:50 and 9:20 p.m.

Bridesmaids
A seriously funny movie about a woman who can't get her life together as her best friend does. As a bonus for comedy nerds like me, the Irish guy from The IT Crowd is in it.
Orland Park Cinema: 10:10 p.m. Cinemark Movies 10: 12:15, 3, 6:50 and 9:45 p.m.

Captain America: First Avenger
A 4F reject gets enhanced into the blonde-haired, blue-eyed "superhuman ideal" to fight Nazis.
Showplace New Lenox 14: 10:15 a.m., 1:10, 4:05, 7 and 9:55 p.m. In 3D: 11 a.m., 1:55, 4:50, 7:45 and 10:40 p.m. 3D times vary after Aug. 2. Orland Park Cinema: 12, 2:50, 6 and 8:50 p.m. In 3D: 1, 4, 7 and 10 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 12:15, 9:45 and 10:45 a.m., 12:45, 3:45, 4:45, 6:45, 9:45 and 10:45 p.m. In 3D: 11:45 a.m., 1:45, 2:45, 5:45, 7:45 and 8:45 p.m.

Cars 2
Do you need a review? If you don't have kids, you're going to rent it. If you do have kids, you've already seen it in the theater 14 times.
Showplace New Lenox 14
: 7:20 and 9:50 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 12:10, 2:40, 5:10 and 7:40 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 10:55 a.m., 4 and 9:05 p.m.

Cowboys & Aliens
How Arizona sees the world.
Showplace New Lenox 14
:10 and 11 a.m., 12:45, 1:45, 3:30, 4:30, 6:15, 7:15, 9 and 10 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 12:10, 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8:50 and 9:50 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 12:05 and 10 a.m., 11:25, 12:50, 2:15, 3:40, 5:05, 6:30, 7:55, 9:20 and 10:45 p.m.

Crazy, Stupid, Love
Steve Carrell, Julianne Moore, Ryan Gosling and ... you know what? That cast is pretty much all I need to know.
Showplace New Lenox 14: 10:40 a.m., 1:25, 5, 8 and 10:45 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 12:50, 3:50, 7:10 and 10 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 10:15 a.m., 1:10, 4:05, 7:10, 10 and 11:55 p.m.

The Electric Daisy Carnival Live
It's a movie about a rave! All the fun of a social event without the drag of being at a social event!
Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 9 p.m. Aug. 4 only Orland Park Cinema: 9 p.m. Aug. 4 only

Friends With Benefits
A former That 70s Show star starts a sex-only relationship that could turn into more. Part two of an unintentional series.
Showplace New Lenox 14:11:40 a.m., 2:25, 5:10, 7:55 and 10:30 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 1:50, 4:20, 7 and 9:50 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 12:15 and 10:25 a.m., 1:15, 4:10, 7:05 and 9:55 p.m.

Globe Theater Presents: Henry IV Part 1
But for these vile lines, I would have been a movie reviewer. This is actually one of the best jokes here.
Orland Park Cinema: 6:30 p.m. Aug. 1 only

The Hangover II
This time, it's even more hangovery. And they're in Thailand.
Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 12:15, 2:35, 5:05, 7:30 and 9:55 p.m.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
SPOILER ALERT: Daniel Radcliffe's career dies at the end.
Showplace New Lenox 14: 9:45 a.m., 12:50, 3:55, 7 and 10:05 p.m. In 3D: 10:30 a.m., 1:35, 4:40, 7:45 and 10:50 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 1:15, 4:15, 7:15, 8:50 and 10:15 p.m. In 3D: 12:30, 3:30, 6:30 and 9:30 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 11:30 a.m., 2:40, 5:50, 9 and 11:45 p.m. In 3D: 9:55 a.m., 1:05, 4:15, 7:25 and 10:35 p.m.

Horrible Bosses
That guy from the thing, the other guy who's been in some stuff and Jason Bateman conspire to kill their bosses.
Showplace New Lenox 14
: 10:05 am., 12:35, 3:05, 5:35, 8:05 and 10:35 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 11:50 a.m., 2:20, 4:40, 7:10 and 9:40 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 9:45 a.m., 12:10, 2:35, 5, 7:30 and 10:05 p.m.

Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer
As near as I can tell from the trailer, it appears to be some form of kids movie about a demon clown-child.
Cinemark Movies 10: 12, 2:50, 5:15 and 7:30 p.m.

Kung Fu Panda II
Jack Black plays a version of himself with fewer drug references. Because it's a kid movie, y'know?
Cinemark Movies 10:

Larry Crowne
Tom Hanks stars in the Tom Hanks role in this story of a long-time store worker laid off because he never went to college. Julia Roberts plays Julia Roberts.
Cinemark Movies 10: 12:10, 2:30, 4:50, 7:10 and 9:30 p.m.

Mr. Popper's Penguins
Jim Carrey continues his quest to add fart jokes to childhood classics.
Orland Park Cinema: 10 a.m. after Aug. 2

Open Season 3
The franchise ran away and joined the circus.
Cinemark Movies 10: 10 a.m. Aug. 2 only

Rio
An eye-opening documentary about life in the cartel-controlled favelas (slums) of ... naah, just kidding. Some CGI bird goes to Carnival.
Cinemark Movies 10
: 1:30 and 3:50 p.m. In 3D: 12:20, 2:40, 5, 7:20 and 9:40 p.m.

The Sandlot
"You play ball like a girl!"
Orland Park Cinema: 9 p.m. July 31 only

The Smurfs
A little more of my childhood dies every day.
Showplace New Lenox 14:10:10 a.m., 12:40, 3:10, 5:40 and 8:10 p.m. In 3D: 11:10 a.m., 1:40, 4:15, 6:45 and 9:15 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 12:40, 3:30 and 6:20 p.m. In 3D: 11:45 a.m., 2:15, 4:50, 7:25 and 10 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 12:20, 1:35, 5:20, 6:35 and 10:20 p.m. In 3D: 9:50 a.m., 2:50, 7:50 and 11:35 p.m.

Thor
Does it bother you they made a superhero out of someone's religion? Coming in June 3011: God II: This Time, It's Scriptural.
Cinemark Movies 10: 12:30, 3:05, 6:05 and 8:40 p.m. In 3D: 1:45, 4:20, 7:15 and 9:50 p.m.

Transcendent Man: Live With Ray Kurzweil
A one-night look into the mind and theories of futurist Ray Kurzweil. You know you're torn between this and The Zookeeper.
Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 7 p.m. Aug. 3 only Showplace New Lenox 14: 7 p.m. Aug. 3 only

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Viewings available in 2D and 3D. Characters only available in 1D.
Showplace New Lenox 14
: 10:15 a.m., 1:45, 5:15 and 8:45 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 11:45 a.m., 3:05, 6:20 and 9:45 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: In 3D: 12:05, 3:35, 7 and 10:25 p.m.

Winnie the Pooh
See review for The Smurfs.
Showplace New Lenox 14:11:20 a.m., 1:20, 3:20 and 5:20 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 12:10, 2:10 and 4 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 10:10 a.m.

X-Men: First Class
A prequel to the superhuman saga, telling the tale of an idealistic young mutant's battle with male pattern baldness.
Cinemark Movies 10: 11:50 a.m., 1:10, 2:45, 4:05, 5:35, 7, 8:30 and 9:50 p.m.

The Zookeeper
The guy from King of Queens does some stuff. Talking animals are involved.
Showplace New Lenox 14: 11:55 a.m., 2:30, 5:05, 7:40 and 10:15 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 11:45 a.m., 2:10, 4:45, 7:15 and 9:45 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 10 a.m., 12:30, 3, 5:30, 8 and 10:30 p.m.

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