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The Two-Second Review: Movie Times in New Lenox, Orland and Joliet, Aug. 12 - 18

Your weekly movie listings, plus quick-hit reviews by a guy who hasn't seen most of these.

Some times vary or change by date, so check with the theater in advance. Clicking on a movie's name will take you to its website, made by people who actually have seen it.

NEW - 30 Minutes or Less
Some dimwitted crooks strap a bomb to a happless pizza delivery guy and force him to rob a bank. Hilarity! Um, this happened in 2003. The guy died.
Orland Park Cinema: 12, 2, 4:10, 7 and 9:20 p.m. Showplace New Lenox 14: 12:01 a.m. Friday only. 11 a.m., 1:15, 3:30, 5:45, 8 and 10:25 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 9:55 a.m., 12:05, 2:15, 4:30, 7:40 and 9:50 p.m. Also at 12:01 a.m. Friday and Saturday only.

Bridesmaids
A seriously funny movie about a woman who can't get her life together as her best friend does. Plus, the dude from Mad Men is really awesome in it.
Cinemark Movies 10: 12:40, 3:40, 7 and 9:50 p.m.

Captain America: First Avenger
How Barry Bonds sees the world.
Showplace New Lenox 14: 10:15 a.m., 1:10, 4:05, 7 and 9:55 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 1, 4, 7 and 9:50 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: In 3D: 10:15 a.m., 1:10, 4:05, 7:20 and 10:10 p.m.

Cars 2
Do you need a review? If you don't have kids, you're going to rent it. If you do have kids, you've already seen it in the theater 14 times.
Orland Park Cinema: 1:10 and 6:30 p.m.

The Change-Up
Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds switch plots with Freaky Friday.
Showplace New Lenox 14: 9:50 a.m., 12:20, 2:50, 5:20, 7:50 and 10:20 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 10:30 a.m., 1:30, 4:35, 7:35 and 10:20 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 1:50, 4:45, 7:30 and 10 p.m.

Cowboys & Aliens
How Arizona sees the world.
Showplace New Lenox 14
: 10:50 a.m., 1:30, 4:20, 7:10 and 10 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 1, 3:50, 6:50 and 9:50 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 10:20 a.m., 1:20, 4:10, 7:25 and 10:10 p.m.

Crazy, Stupid, Love
Really, Good, Cast.
Showplace New Lenox 14: 11:25 a.m., 2:15, 5:05, 7:55 and 10:45 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 12:50, 3:50, 7:10 and 10 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 10:25 a.m., 1:25, 4:20, 7:30 and 10:30 p.m.

Fast Five
Both Vin Diesel and The Rock are in this movie, disproving my whole Clark Kent/Superman theory.
Cinemark Movies 10: 12:35, 3:25, 6:50 and 9:40 p.m.

NEW (Second Run) - Fight Club
The first rule of reviewing Fight Club is you have to make a joke about the first rule of Fight Club. Seriously. Siskel's ghost will come and get me if I don't.
Orland Park Cinema: 9 p.m. Sunday only and 8 p.m. Monday only

NEW - Final Destination 5
I don't think they know what "final" means.
Orland Park Cinema: In 3D: 12:20, 2:50, 5:20, 7:50 and 10 p.m. Showplace New Lenox 14: In 3D: 10 a.m., 12:15, 2:30 and 4:45 p.m. In IMAX 3D: 7:45 and 9:50 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 11:15 a.m., 1:45, 4:15, 6:45, 9:15 and 11:35 p.m. In 3D: 10 a.m., 12:30, 3, 5:30, 8 and 10:30 p.m. Also in 3D at 12:01 a.m. Friday and Saturday only.

Friends With Benefits
A former That 70s Show star starts a sex-only relationship that could turn into more. Part two of an unintentional series.
Showplace New Lenox 14: 1:35 and 7:35 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 1:50, 4:20, 6:50 and 9:30 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 9:55 a.m., 9:35 p.m.

NEW - Glee 3D Concert Movie
Boyfriends of the world, prepare to be forced to watch this
Orland Park Cinema: In 3D: 11:50 a.m., 2:05, 4:30, 7 and 9:30 p.m. Showplace New Lenox 14: In 3D: 10:30 a.m., 12:45, 3, 5:15, 7:30 and 9:45 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: In 3D: 10:35 a.m., 12:45, 2:55. 5:05, 7:15 and 9:45 p.m. Also in 3D at 11:40 p.m. Friday and Saturday only.

NEW - Globe Theatre Presents: Henry IV, Part 2
Some Shakespeare all up in here.
Orland Park Cinema
: 6:30 p.m. Thursday Aug. 18 only

NEW (Second Run) - Green Lantern
Digging into the third through fifth tiers of DC's superhero stable. Up next: Ambush Bug: The Motion Picture.
Cinemark Movies 10: 12:55, 3:30, 6:05 and 8:40 p.m. In 3D: 2:10, 4:45, 7:20 and 9:55 p.m.

The Hangover II
This time, it's even more hangovery. And they're in Thailand.
Cinemark Movies 10: 2:35, 5:10, 7:30 and 9:55 p.m.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
SPOILER ALERT: Daniel Radcliffe's career dies at the end.
Showplace New Lenox 14: 7:05 and 10:05 p.m. In IMAX 3D: 10:40 a.m., 1:40 and 4:40 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 12:30, 3:30, 6:20 and 9:20 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 10:10 a.m, 4 and 10:05 p.m. In 3D: 1:05 and 7:10 p.m.

The Help
I looked at the site and saw "extraordinary women," "unlikely friendship" and the South in the 1960s. I picture a lot of scenes of people crying and a lot of Golden Globe wins.
Showplace New Lenox 14: 9:30 a.m., 12:45, 4, 7:15 and 10:30 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 12, 3:15, 6:30 and 9:45 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 12:30, 3:45, 7 and 10:15 p.m. Also at 12:01 a.m. Friday and Saturday only.

Horrible Bosses
That guy from the thing, the other guy who's been in some stuff and Jason Bateman conspire to kill their bosses.
Showplace New Lenox 14
: 10:05 am., 12:35, 3:05, 5:35, 8:05 and 10:35 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 11:50 a.m., 2:20, 4:40, 7 and 9:30 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 2:10 and 7:50 p.m.

Insidious
You know you're having a bad run when your kid's in a coma and then bad things start to happen. In this case, it's demons.
Cinemark Movies 10: 3:45 and 9:45 p.m.

Kung Fu Panda II
Jack Black plays a version of himself with fewer drug references. Because it's a kid movie, y'know?
Cinemark Movies 10: 1:05, 3:15, 5:25, 7:35 and 9:45 p.m. In 3D: 12, 2:10 and 4:20 p.m.

Monte Carlo
Dear Hollywood, Please stop ripping off The Prince and the Pauper. Love, Mark Twain.
Cinemark Movies 10: 1:10, 4:30, 7:10 and 9:40 p.m.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
AAAAAH! 3D KEITH RICHARDS!
Cinemark Movies 10: 1:50, 4:50 and 7:50 p.m. In 3D: 6:30 and 9:30 p.m.

NEW - Rifftrax Live: Jack The Giant Killer
It's the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys! Doing stuff in actual movie theaters!
Orland Park Cinema: 7 p.m. Wednesday only. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 7 p.m. Wednesday only.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
The summary of the plot of the Rise of the Planet of the Apes: YOU MANIAC JAMES FRANCO, YOU FINALLY BLEW IT UP!
Showplace New Lenox 14
: 10:20 and 11:05 a.m., 1:05, 1:50, 3:50, 4:35, 6:35, 7:20, 9:20 and 10:10 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 9:55 and 10:45 a.m., 11:35, 12:25, 1:15, 2:05, 2:55, 3:45, 4:35, 5:25, 6:15, 7:05, 7:55, 9:10 and 10:25 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 12, 2:30, 5, 7:30 and 10 p.m.

The Smurfs
Because they decided children don't like magical worlds of enchantment, they moved the Smurfs to New York.
Showplace New Lenox 14: 10:10 a.m., 12:40, 3:10, 5:40, 8:10 and 10:50 p.m. Orland Park Cinema: 12:40, 3:30, 6:20 and 8:50 p.m. In 3D: 11:45 a.m., 2:15, 4:50, 7:25 and 9:50 p.m. Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall: 12:20, 5:20 and 10:20 p.m. In 3D: 9:50 a.m., 2:50 and 7:50 p.m.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Viewings available in 2D and 3D. Characters only available in 1D.
Showplace New Lenox 14
: 10:10 a.m., 4:10 and 10:10 p.m.

X-Men: First Class
A prequel to the superhuman saga, telling the tale of an idealistic young mutant's battle with male pattern baldness.
Cinemark Movies 10: 12:50 and 6:45 p.m.

The Zookeeper
The guy from King of Queens does some stuff. Talking animals are involved.
Orland Park Cinema: 3:50 and 9:15. 

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