The Two-Second Review: What's Playing in New Lenox, Orland and Joliet, Aug. 19-25

Clicking on a movie's name will take you to its website, made by people who actually have seen the movie. The theater names will show you the times a movie is playing. If 3D isn't specified, the movie is 2D.

30 Minutes or Less
Some dimwitted crooks strap a bomb to a happless pizza delivery guy and force him to rob a bank. Hilarity! Um, this happened in 2003. The guy died. Rated R. 83 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

Bridesmaids
Basically, they made roles for everyone they find funny, from the Irish guy from The IT Crowd to the friend from Gilmore Girls to Mad Men guy to a bit part by one of the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! dudes. If only more movies were made this way. Rated R. 125 minutes.
Playing at: Cinemark Movies 10

Captain America: First Avenger
Barry Bonds fight Nazis. Rated PG-13. 124 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema
Playing in 2D and 3D at: Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

The Change-Up
Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds switch plots with Freaky Friday. Rated R. 101 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

NEW - Conan the Barbarian
Originally Leno the Barbarian, then Conan the Barbarian, then back to Leno. Rated R. 112 minutes.
Playing in 2D and 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

Cowboys & Aliens
How Arizona sees the world. Rated PG-13. 118 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

Crazy Stupid Love
New theory: There's a secret law that Emma Stone must appear in every third movie produced through 2013. Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema

Fast Five
Both Vin Diesel and The Rock are in this movie, disproving my whole Clark Kent/Superman theory. Emma Stone is not, disproving my Crazy Stupid Love theory. Rated PG-13. 130 minutes.
Playing at: Cinemark Movies 10

Final Destination 5
I don't think they know what "final" means. Rated R. 95 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall
Playing in IMAX 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14

Friends With Benefits
A former That 70s Show star starts a sex-only relationship that could turn into more. Part two of an unintentional series. Rated R. 120 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

NEW - Fright Night
Colin Ferrell as a vampire, Chekov from the new Star Trek movie as the hero, McLovin as "Evil" Ed and a vampire-hunting Doctor Who. Nerdvana. Rated R. 120 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

Glee 3D Concert Movie
Boyfriends of the world, prepare to be forced to watch this. Rated PG. 120 minutes.
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

NEW - God Bless Ozzy Osbourne
An Ozzy Osbourne documentary directed by his son Jack. I'm actually very interested. Apparently, Sir Paul himself (the "Beatles" guy) makes an appearance telling Ozzy stories. Wednesday only. Not Rated. 120 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

Green Lantern
Digging into the third through fifth tiers of DC's superhero stable. Up next: Ambush Bug: The Motion Picture. Rated PG-13. 105 minutes.
Playing in 2D and 3D at: Cinemark Movies 10

The Hangover II
Quit inviting these people to weddings. Problem solved. Rated R. 102 minutes.
Playing at: Cinemark Movies 10

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
SPOILER ALERT: Daniel Radcliffe's career dies at the end. Rated PG-13. 130 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall
Playing in 3D at: Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall
Playing in IMAX 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14

The Help
I looked at the site and saw "extraordinary women," "unlikely friendship" and the South in the 1960s. I picture a lot of scenes of people crying and a lot of Golden Globe wins. Also, Emma Stone. Rated PG-13. 137 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

Horrible Bosses
That guy from the thing, the other guy who's been in some stuff and Jason Bateman conspire to kill their bosses. Rated R. 100 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema

Kung Fu Panda II
Jack Black plays a version of himself with fewer drug references. Because it's a kid movie, y'know? Rated PG. 91 minutes.
Playing in 2D and 3D at: Cinemark Movies 10

Monte Carlo
Dear Hollywood, Please stop ripping off The Prince and the Pauper. Love, Mark Twain. Rated PG. 109 minutes.
Playing at: Cinemark Movies 10

NEW (Second Run) - Mr. Popper's Penguins
Pitch meeting for Mr. Popper's Penguins: "Well, I like beloved children's classics, but I also like fart jokes. Get me Jim Carrey!" Rated PG. 94 minutes.
Playing at: Cinemark Movies 10

NEW - One Day
A love story with Anne Hathaway lasting many years. Sort of like my feelings, but without the cease and desist order on the letters. Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
AAAAAH! 3D KEITH RICHARDS! Rated PG-13. 137 minutes.
Playing in 2D and 3D at: Cinemark Movies 10

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
The summary of the plot of the Rise of the Planet of the Apes: YOU MANIAC, JAMES FRANCO! YOU BLEW IT UP! Rated PG-13. 110 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

The Smurfs
The Smurfs come to the real world. Because children hate magical lands of enchantment. Rated PG. 86 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall
Playing in 3D at: Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

NEW - Spy Kids: All the Time in the World
Available in 2D, 3D and 4D. I'm serious. They call it "Aroma-Scope." Also, they kept roles for the original Spy Kids, not just discarding them for the younger kids like so much Macauley Culkin. Good for you, Robert Rodriguez. Rated PG. 100 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Orland Park Cinema
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Cinemark Louis Joliet Mall

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
'Splosions. Rated PG-13. 154 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Showplace New Lenox 14

The Zookeeper
It's not in theaters anymore! It's not in theaters anymore! The only reason I included this listing is because I'm so excited it's not in theaters anymore!