The Two-Second Review: What's Playing in New Lenox, Orland and Country Club Hills, Sept. 9-15

Clicking on a movie's name will take you to its official website, made by people who actually have seen the movie. The theater names will show you the times a movie is playing. If 3D isn't specified, the movie is 2D.

Apollo 18
They're Blair Witch-ing the space race with this spooky-looking horror film made of "found footage" from a supposed secret last mission to the moon. Also the name of a They Might Be Giants album. Rated PG-13. 86 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

NEW - Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
An awkward farm kid finds out his parents were porn stars, so goes off to Hollywood to become a porn star himself despite his comically undersized genitalia. Seriously. That's the plot. Rated R. 96 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Colombiana
Zoe Saldana witnesses her parents' murder as a young child and becomes a professional assassin out for revenge (as opposed to becoming Batman). Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16 

Contagion
This Matt Damon thriller features . Rated PG-13. 105 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16
Playing in IMAX at: Showplace New Lenox 14 (Sept. 9 only), Country Club Hills 16

Crazy Stupid Love
Emma Stone is the most recent winner of the secret Hollywood drawing wherein she appears in every third movie for about three years, then disappears entirely. It's called the "Seth Rogan Lottery." Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

NEW - Creature
A half-man, half-alligator terrorizes comely 20-somethings in the Louisiana bayou. I do not wish to think of the mechanisms that created that creature. Rated R. 93 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

The Debt
What happens to old spies? Apparently, they end up looking like genetic lottery winner Helen Mirren, which aint half bad. Rated R. 113 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
More accurate title: Don't Be Afraid of Katie Holmes. At this, we fail. Rated R. 100 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16 

NEW - The Globe Theatre Presents: Henry VIII
Sept. 15 only, the world-famous Globe Theatre presents the latest in its live simulcasted performances of the Bard's most groundbreaking works. Or you could go see Bucky Larson. Not rated. 180 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Harry and his magical friends prepare for a life of making guest appearances at Universal Orlando's The Wizarding World of Harry Potter every time they need cash. Rated PG-13. 130 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

The Help
I looked at the site and saw "extraordinary women," "unlikely friendship" and "the South in the 1960s." I picture a lot of scenes of people crying and a lot of Golden Globe wins. Also, Emma Stone. Rated PG-13. 137 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Kevin Hart: Laugh at My Pain
This show of comedian Kevin Hart's comedy tour is only playing at select AMC theaters. Not rated. 88 minutes.
Playing at: Country Club Hills 16

One Day
Anne Hathaway and the man best-known for also being in this movie with Anne Hathaway are shown falling in love over 20 years on the same day each year. Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema 

Our Idiot Brother
It must be weird being an actor. "Hey, Paul Rudd! Remember the woman you made out with in Wet Hot American Summer and Role Models? She's your sister now. Your fiancée from I Love You, Man is now dating your other sister and your third sister is British. Also, grow a beard." Rated R. 90 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty James Franco! Rated PG-13. 110 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Seven Days in Utopia
Basically a live-action version of Pixar's Cars, but with golf, down to the cocky athlete crashing in a small town only to find a crusty but good-hearted mentor, love with the local beauty and the spiritual essence of his sport. Rated G. 99 minutes.
Playing at:  Orland Park Cinema

Shark Night 3D
Not since Piranha 3D has there been such a strong contender for the Best 3D Fish That Will Eat You Academy Award. Rated PG-13. 95 minutes.
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

The Smurfs
Because children hate magical lands of enchantment, the Smurfs come to the real world. Rated PG. 86 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World
Available in 2D, 3D and 4D. I'm serious. They call it "Aroma-Scope." Also, they kept roles for the original Spy Kids, not just discarding them for the younger kids like so much Macauley Culkin. Good for you, Robert Rodriguez. Rated PG. 100 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

NEW - Warrior
Tom Hardy plays an MMA fighter in training and ... you know what? He's going to be Bane. Tom Hardy is going to play Bane in the next Batman movie and, for me, anything he or any of the Dark Knight Rises cast does until then is just a teaser trailer. Rated PG-13. 139 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16