The Two-Second Review: What's Playing in New Lenox, Orland and Country Club Hills, Sept. 16-22

Clicking on a movie's name will take you to its official website, made by people who actually have seen the movie. The theater names will show you the times a movie is playing. If 3D isn't specified, the movie is 2D.

Apollo 18
They're Blair Witch-ing the space race with this spooky-looking horror film made of "found footage" from a supposed secret last mission to the moon. Rated PG-13. 86 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
An awkward farm kid finds out his parents were porn stars, so goes off to Hollywood to become a porn star himself despite his comically undersized genitalia. Seriously. That's the plot. Rated R. 96 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Colombiana
Zoe Saldana witnesses her parents' murder as a young child and becomes a professional assassin out for revenge (as opposed to becoming Batman). Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16 

Contagion
This Matt Damon thriller features . Rated PG-13. 105 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16
Playing in IMAX at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

NEW - Cowboys and Aliens
OK, so it's not so much "new" as "back" and it's only back for Sept. 18 and 19, but it lets me bring back one of my favorite Two-Second Review jokes ever. Cowboys and Aliens: How Arizona sees the world. Thank you. Rated PG-13. 118 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14,

Crazy Stupid Love
Emma Stone is the most recent winner of the secret Hollywood drawing wherein she appears in every third movie for about three years, then disappears entirely. It's called the "Seth Rogan Lottery." Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

The Debt
What happens to old spies? Apparently, they end up looking like genetic lottery winner Helen Mirren, which aint half bad. Rated R. 113 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
More accurate title: Don't Be Afraid of Katie Holmes. At this, we fail. Rated R. 100 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16 

NEW - Drive
Indie darlings Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan star in this ... explosion-packed action flick about a getaway driver ... with Bryan Cranston and ... Albert Brooks??? THIS CAST MAKES NO SENSE! Rated R. 100 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Harry and his magical friends prepare for a life of making guest appearances at Universal Orlando's The Wizarding World of Harry Potter every time they need cash. Rated PG-13. 130 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

The Help
I looked at the site and saw "extraordinary women," "unlikely friendship" and "the South in the 1960s." I picture a lot of scenes of people crying and a lot of Golden Globe wins. Also, Emma Stone. Rated PG-13. 137 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

NEW - I Don't Know How She Does It
Sarah Jessica Parker balances a perfect husband, adorable kids and an amazing job. For people interested in more realistic movies than this, Cowboys and Aliens is back for a limited run. Rated PG-13. 95 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

NEW - The Lion King
The Lion King in 3D. Parents, you now have leverage. "Oh yes you are eating that broccoli or else we're staying home tonight." Two weeks only. Rated G. 89 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16 
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Kevin Hart: Laugh at My Pain
This show of comedian Kevin Hart's comedy tour is only playing at select AMC theaters. Not rated. 88 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

NEW - Mayweather vs. Ortiz Fight Live
Get better-than-ringside seats for this live fight night. Sept. 17 only.  Not rated. 210 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema,

Our Idiot Brother
It must be weird being an actor. "Hey, Paul Rudd! Remember the woman you made out with in Wet Hot American Summer and Role Models? She's your sister now. Your fiancée from I Love You, Man is now dating your other sister and your third sister is British. Also, grow a beard." Rated R. 90 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty James Franco! Rated PG-13. 110 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Shark Night 3D
Not since Piranha 3D has there been such a strong contender for the Best 3D Fish That Will Eat You Academy Award. Rated PG-13. 95 minutes.
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

The Smurfs
Because children hate magical lands of enchantment, the Smurfs come to the real world. Rated PG. 86 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World
They kept roles for the original Spy Kids, not just discarding them for the new, younger kids like so much Macauley Culkin. Good for you, Robert Rodriguez. Rated PG. 100 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Country Club Hills 16
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

NEW - Straw Dogs
A remake of the 1971 Sam Peckinpah film about a timid man turning to violence when his wife is attacked by rural folk. I guess it wouldn't be much of a movie if they just left, called the police on the villains and went into therapy. Rated R. 105 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

NEW - Swan Lake: Bolshoi Ballet
The classic ballet performed by the world-famous Bolshoi. Sept. 18 only. Not rated. 180 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

Warrior
Tom Hardy plays an MMA fighter in training and ... you know what? He's going to be Bane. Tom Hardy is going to play Bane in the next Batman movie and, for me, anything he or any of the Dark Knight Rises cast does until then is just a teaser trailer. Rated PG-13. 139 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16