Welcome to the first Mascot Wars, where we look at upcoming prep football match-ups by determining how their mascots would fare in a no-holds-barred duel.
Today, we’re looking at the (1-2) vs. (3-0) due to face off tonight at 7:30 p.m. at Sandburg.
Rules of Engagement
It’s all well and good to pit a knight against an eagle until you realize you’ve just sicced a bird of prey on Judi Dench or one of the surviving Beatles.
While it would be truly awesome to watch Order of the British Empire recipient Liam Neeson fight off a marauding raptor (my money’s on Darkman), the current vogue for knighting celebrities could make the fight a little one-sided.
So we’re going medieval on this. Our knight is a big warrior guy wrapped up in metal and with a big sword to stab dragons or French people.
Now let’s pick the eagle. You have to be careful with this. For example, the Australian Little Eagle is, naturally, little. It’s about two pounds and fluffy. While it would make the perfect foe for knighted celebrity Kylie Minogue (also tiny, adorable and Australian), it would have no chance against our lightning rod with a pointy stick and a mad-on for the House of York.
So let’s cut the formalities. We want an American Bald Eagle, signet of apple pie, freedom and the U.S. of A! Ooh-rah!
Round 1- 17
The first rounds end in stalemate. The eagle tries to attack the knight using its vicious talons but finds itself repelled by the fact the dude is wrapped in metal.
The knight can likewise gain no ground against the clawing beast. Although the knight’s winning on strength, a wild animal that can swim through the air and snatch fish directly out of rivers has more mobility than a guy wearing 50 pounds of steel and awkwardly swinging a meter-long metal spike.
Ever try to swat a fly that won’t quit landing on you? It’s like that, but awesome.
From here, it’s up to the weather. If it’s a hot day, the metal-clad knight succumbs to heat exhaustion and passes out, the eagle winning by Muhammad Ali-style rope-a-dope.
If the weather is too cold, the eagle will be seized with the urge to migrate mid-fight, the knight winning by forfeit.
Either way, the two never face off again, both preferring to stick to their natural enemies, French archers or salmon, respectively.
Coming next week:
Undying bird vs. Some sort of Greek soldier guy: Who will win when the Phoenix face the Warriors?
Are you ready for some (more) football?
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