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Phoenix vs. Warriors: Who Would Win in a Fight? Mascot Wars #2

Patch looks at upcoming prep football match-ups by rating how their mascots would fare in a no-holds-barred duel.

Welcome to the second Mascot Wars, where we look at upcoming prep football match-ups by determining how their mascots would fare in a no-holds-barred duel.

Today, we’re looking at the and the , due to face off tonight at 7 p.m. at North.

Rules of Engagement:

Nothing from Harry Potter counts.

Sorry, kids, but if we’re already pitting a bird that never existed against the general concept of someone who makes war, we don’t want to confuse it more by talking about healing tears or hot feathers or anything else from the brain of J.K. Rowling.

We’re going with the much more accurate source of Wikipedia, which tells us the phoenix is a sacred firebird from many ancient mythologies and OMG SLAYER RULEZ HAHAHAHA!!!! [Citation needed]

As for the Warriors, I have to confess I don’t know what this guy’s really supposed to be. He’s definitely going to beat you up, but he’s sort of Greek-looking, sort of Roman-looking, sort of Trojan-looking, sort of general ancient war-guy looking.

Since we can’t look at history for the tactics or military strength of the “Warriors” like we could if West were the “Vikings” or the “Roman Legionnaires Under Augustus,” we have to make some educated guesses.

For the purposes of this fight, the Warriors are ancient, have strong opinions on what is looting and what is pillaging and, unlike with the Phoenix, there are a lot of them.

Round 1:

That’s right. There’s only one phoenix representing L-Way North.

It’s not the Lincoln-Way North Phoenixes or Phoenices. It’s the Lincoln-Way North Phoenix. Just one. Yeah, it’s all mythical and stuff, but it’s still one bird against an entire army of guys with brooms on their heads.

The first round goes to the warriors, who, with a rousing battle cry, attack the bird en masse. One of their mightiest warriors heaves his spear into the bird’s breast, where, with a pitiable scream, it falters and slowly dies.

Round 2:

The phoenix, no longer dead, is again assaulted by the assembled warriors. One warrior throws his big W shield Captain America-style, knocking the bird out. It falls to its death.

Round 3-218:

Alive again, the phoenix streaks toward the increasingly bored warriors, one of whom tries to punch it in the face. The bird and helmeted warrior get involved in a stalemate fight similar to .

The bird eventually succumbs and dies. The warrior cleans up the scattered feathers with his broom-hat.

You see, the phoenix’s main power is to die. A lot.

Depending on the legend, every 500 or 1,000 years, the phoenix decides it’s too old and builds a nest of myrrh, cinnamon and something called spikenard. Then both nest and bird go up in flames like so much witch trial, leaving a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg in its place.

So every time you think the creature is finally done for, it just pops up again fresh and new, like (INSERT POLITICAL FIGURE YOU PERSONALLY DISLIKE).

Ah, satire.

Winner: The Phoenix

Although it has a shorter lifespan than a sedentary mayfly who smokes, the phoenix takes out a couple more warriors in each incarnation. One warrior gets a talon to the arm and decides to call it a day. Another gets whapped with a mighty wing. Another is allergic to down.

One by one, the warriors fall as the phoenix keeps regenerating. Eventually, the field is reduced to a bunch of limping ancient army guys and one triumphant firebird, taunting them with a Woody Woodpecker laugh.

Coming next week:

Eagle-lion monster vs. Army guys who grab your stuff then run away: Who will win when the Griffins face the Raiders?

Kirsten September 23, 2011 at 09:26 PM
Called this one. Since the Phoenix continues to cone back from death, this is a battle that could take an eternity so the Warriors would just die of boredom and old age. As for Griffin vs Raider, no contest again with Griffin reigning supreme.

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