What's the Worst Christmas Song? Patch Editors Will Sing it For You

In that dead zone between "It's Christmas Day!" and "I've been listening to this song for a month!" which holiday tune do you never want to hear again?

They've taken over your radio stations. You've heard them blasted in stores since August. They've even crept into your dreams.

Now's your chance to pick the worst, most annoying Christmas "classic" that threatens to make you ho-ho-homicidal this holiday season.

We've racked our brains and polled our Facebook fans to come up with 13 of the best of the worst. Vote in the poll below and then, in a special Christmas Day video, your local Patch editors will perform your pick as a Christmas gift to you. That's right. Patch sings.

So prepare your cups of cheer and humiliation, because here are the 13 contestants:

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Synopsis: A young boy suspects his mother is having an extramarital affair. This, in the universe of the song, is festive.

Last Christmas
Synopsis: George Michael of Wham! got dumped on Dec. 26, 1983. Submitted by Mokena Patch Facebook fan Kelly Wilson.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Synopsis: Christmas at Andy Williams' house includes ghost stories.

I Farted on Santa's Lap
Synopsis: Uh... yup. Submitted by Mokena Patch Facebook fan Nancy Rosenbaum Potter.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Synopsis: Santa has the same notions of child-rearing that Sting has of romance in Every Breath You Take. For extra creepiness, here's a horrifyingly robotic version by horrifying robot Justin Bieber.

The Christmas Shoes
Synopsis: Our lone entry in the "sad beyond words" category, a boy tries to buy his mother shoes to die in on Christmas Eve, but he can't afford them. And then the boy gets hit by a truck. And the truck driver gets cancer. And then the truck driver's dog needs to be put down. And then the vet who puts the dog down gets cancer. And his cancer gets rabies. And those rabies can't afford shoes.

Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey
Synopsis: In the "your deformity is there for a reason" vein of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (which Nestor references several times), a donkey's freak-ears help Joseph and Mary get to Bethlehem. Written for a 1977 television special. Submitted by Mokena Patch Facebook fan Jill Barrow Moran.

Dogs Barking Jingle Bells
Synopsis: Sit. Stay. Perform holiday classics. Good boy. Suggested by Mokena Patch Facebook fan Gail Hoffman Bastas.

Feliz Navidad
Synopsis: You can be an incredible guitar player and human being, but you'll mainly be remembered for a holiday earworm that keeps repeating the same 19 words, five of which are in Spanish.

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas
Synopsis: Beyond having more rhymes with "olly" than the worst improv game in history, the lyrics make no sense. "I don't know if there'll be snow, but have a cup of cheer?" Were they going to drink a cup of snow?

Wonderful Christmastime
Synopsis: The universe is based not on good and evil, but on the balance between. The world gives us both valleys and mountains, light and darkness, hope and despair. Paul McCartney wrote both Yesterday and this bit of synth-based yuletide garbage.

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
Synopsis: Child does not know that hippos are considered the most dangerous animal in Africa. Submitted by Mokena Patch Facebook fan Erin Burns.

The 12 Days of Christmas
Synopsis: I love you. Here's 184 birds.

So vote in the poll below and tell in the comments us why your pick is worst (and suggest songs we missed). We'll post the video of us singing it the morning of Dec. 25.

Merry Christmas and to all a silent night!

Richard Rose December 17, 2011 at 01:50 PM
Country star George Jones sings "Joy to the World." Characters in Jones' songs (and George himself when singing about himself) are absolutely broken and pathetic, and that's treating it lightly. Singing "Joy to the World" is a cruel irony for Jones, and is also slightly out of tune.
Russ December 17, 2011 at 05:08 PM
Not sure I heard the farting on Santa's lap song ,but it sounds like a good one for the Patch editors to sing lol
Joe Vince (Editor) December 17, 2011 at 06:48 PM
@Russ: Are you trying to imply something about Patch editors and their digestive systems? Joe Vince Local editor, Frankfort
Russ December 17, 2011 at 06:52 PM
not sure about your gastro intestinal comings and goings,just the humility of it all sounds funny
Joe Vince (Editor) December 17, 2011 at 06:59 PM
@Russ: You mean having us sing on video isn't embarrassing enough? Man, you're cruel. Joe Vince Local editor, Frankfort
Russ December 17, 2011 at 07:08 PM
sorry ,i missed your last comment, I was busy casting my vote for the fart song.hahaha
Paul Dailing December 17, 2011 at 09:11 PM
Hey, anything's better than "Last Christmas."
Ben Feldheim (Editor) December 17, 2011 at 10:21 PM
Here's one we could try... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cPXEo6gqBI
Don Kalina December 17, 2011 at 10:58 PM
I think "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" should be on the list, not really a great Christmas song, who would want to picture their Grandma with hoof prints on their foreheads?
Lisa Edge December 18, 2011 at 07:00 PM
I have to agree with Don. I cringe every time I hear "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer". Sadly, it seems to be a favorite of my husband's. His Secret Santa even gifted him with a caged stuffed reindeer that sings the song when your squeeze its hoof. I can't escape! He loves it!
CJM December 19, 2011 at 04:14 PM
Ugh! So many bad Christmas songs, so little time. Wvery time I hear "Grandma got run over..." or anything from Spike Jones, it makes me want to stick my finger in a light socket. But for sheer over-the-top, vomit-inducing schmaltz, nothing beats "The Christmas Shoes". It has to rank among the worst songs. Ever. For any season.
Joe Vince (Editor) December 19, 2011 at 04:21 PM
I'm stunned that "Wonderful Christmastime" isn't in the lead. That song is such an irritating earworm. It's worse than FAO Schwartz's in-store song, "Welcome to Our World of Toys." Joe Vince Local editor, Frankfort
WA Mama December 19, 2011 at 07:26 PM
Hmm, either 92% of respondents have not heard "Wonderful Christmastime," or else they don't think having the Patch editors sing it is punishment enough for Sir Paul.
Kate Duff December 19, 2011 at 07:52 PM
I can't decide. I think we need a medley.
WA Mama December 19, 2011 at 08:04 PM
What about "Do You Hear What I Hear?" That's just a song about rumors, about playing Operator. By the time the Mighty King tells The People everywhere, he's like, "This shepherd boy says he knows the lamb heard the night wind saw an angel say that there is an assortment of crackers and baby cheeses at the inn by the ranger."
Steve Burke December 19, 2011 at 08:30 PM
"Wonderful Christmastime" should DEFINITLY be on the list.
Kate Duff December 19, 2011 at 09:10 PM
Definitely, WA Mama -- plus it has those immortal lines "A child, a child, Shivers in the cold, Let us bring him silver and gold." Because precious metals will warm him right up.
WA Mama December 19, 2011 at 09:20 PM
Yes, Kate, possibly the only time a Snuggie would be a preferred gift.
Leslie Rissmiller December 19, 2011 at 09:42 PM
Patricia Schuler Claxton December 20, 2011 at 05:04 PM
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer has to be the worst! PSC
Chrislaw December 23, 2011 at 02:46 PM
"merry Christmas, darling" by the Carpenters makes me want to drive my car into a tree.
LISA HINES December 23, 2011 at 03:49 PM
ANYTHING sung by The Carpenters makes me want to do that !!!!!!!
Mr. Jack December 23, 2011 at 11:41 PM
Where was that that stupid "Dominic the Christmas Donkey" song in the voting choices? By far, THE most annoying song I have EVER heard!
LISA HINES December 24, 2011 at 04:45 AM
That donkey song was the first thing that popped into my head when I read the article......yet it wasn't on the list !!!!! What a travesty !!!!
Paul Dailing December 24, 2011 at 05:37 AM
Very obscure Internet bylaw that only allows one donkey-themed Christmas song per article. Also, we forgot about that one. "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" would also be up there if we could do it again.
Jaimie Cura December 27, 2011 at 06:14 PM
@Paul - Yes, that would have been a good choice too! There's always next year!


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